Soulmate?

Friend. Best friend. Soulmate. I never thought before that I’d find someone who can be that three. She’s my Tiffany Hwang. We are in the same girl group called Girls’ Generation or SNSD and I’m the leader. This year our contract will end and we still don’t know the future of our group. Ten years as the member of SNSD with her and 12 years as friend.

Fans assume that I and her shares romantic feeling based on how close we are. They said our eyes reflected how we love each other. But I’ll tell you something: its bullshit. We didn’t share romantic feeling nor shall I say that just me who have romantic toward her?

Every time I search about Taeny—Taeyeon and Tiffany—I’ll end up hurt me. I always looked pitiful in our pictures and videos. I mean I looked so love toward her. However, the most hurtful thing is Tiffany—the one I love so much—isn’t realize my feeling while everyone else realizes it since years ago.

In the dorm, there are just me, her, Sunny, and Hyoyeon. The other members live at their homes. Can you imagine how stressful yet happy at the same time when you live in the same place with your crush? I feel happy because I can see her 24/7, but stressful because I can’t touch her more than a friend. I also saw her fell in love with man and got hurt by them, I hate to see her cry because it’s hurt me too.

°°°

SM already decided SNSD future, they’ll disband us as group. We’re crying, sad because we can’t perform as one again. Tiffany can’t stop cry even though we are already arrives in our dorm.

“Tae, sleep with me tonight, please.” She asks with her hoarse voice and it’s sexy.

“Okay.” It’s hard to refuse her, she’s my weakness.

After changes our clothes and ready to sleep, I go to her room. As my body lay on her bed, her arms are immediately wrapping around my waist. I hug her back.

“What you’re going to do after this, Fany?”

“I don’t know, Tae.”

“I want to keep singing.” I state. “I think you can’t stop now too, Fany. You looked happy when you sang. I love it when you sing. You know I’m your number one fans, right?”

“Thank you, Tae. You know how much I love you, right?”

“I know and I love you too, Fany.” It’s hurt me every time she says it because the definition of our “I love you” are different. We aren’t in the same page. I love her more than just a friend, but she loves me as friend or family.

Yuri knew all this time, even before I realized it. She also knew Jessica’s feeling toward me while I didn’t realize it at all. One of the reasons why Jessica out from our group was me because she couldn’t hold the hurt she got when she saw me with Tiffany. She knew I fell in love with Tiffany, but she mad because Tiffany didn’t know it and I’m just so stupid not to tell her. It was complicated, I knew, but to be more complicated, I can tell you that Yuri was fell in love with Jessica. I think she still loves her until now. Sometimes, I saw her stalked Jessica’s social media.

Jessica told her feeling to me, but my heart already stuck to Tiffany. So, I said no to her. Too much drama, yeah, I know, but it was the truth. I already love Tiffany since years ago. If you say I’m such a stupid woman who just hurting myself, well, I can say that I am a stupid woman.

I think it’s better to be at her side even though I don’t have her. However, I don’t know how things going to be since our group will be disband.

°°°

“My dad wants me back to US.” 2 months after the disband news is leaking to public, Tiffany says it while we’re lying on my bed.

We’re just finished shooting our last music video as group. To be honest, I don’t want her to stay far away from me, but who am I to her? I’m not her lover. After these 12 years with her, I never imagine my life without her by my side.

“So, you’re going back to US?”

“I don’t know, what do you think, Tae?”

I can feel her eyes on me, but I just look at the ceiling. “I’ll support your decision, Fany. Just do what you think it’s the best for you.”

“Your answer is no help to me, Tae.” She’s going up from my bed and walks out from my room.

I sigh deeply. I know she’s mad because my answer, but what do I need to say? Asks her to stay here without reveal my true feeling to her? No, I don’t want her to know my feeling. I turn my body and stare blankly to my bed those minutes ago still occupies by her body. I already miss her.

°°°

Months after my group—SNSD—officially disbanded, Tiffany—my love—decided to back to US and today is her departure. The whole member of SNSD are comes to the airport. She hugs me tightly and I hug her back. She also pecks my cheeks.

“I’m gonna miss you, Tae.” She says with her hoarse voice because she’s crying.

“Me too, Fany.” How can I live now, Fany?

I fight the urge to cry. I hate cry in front of people. I don’t want to show my weakness. However, later in the dorm, I cry so hard until my chest hurt.

°°°

I don’t know it’ll be so hard to keep living without Tiffany. Without her, I back to the old myself; gloomy and like to be alone. It has been months since she went to US. I miss her so much.

“Just call her if you miss her so bad, Taenggo. It’s annoying to hear you’re sighing over and over.” Sunny is complaining to me.

We’re sitting in the living room, watching Yoona’s new drama. However, my mind is wondering around, well, thinking Tiffany to be exact.

“You know, Taenggo, Tiff called me yesterday and asked me why all of your songs in your new album seems so desperate and sad.” I gulp. So, she still listens to my songs, huh?

“Your answer is?” I ask with my nonchalant tone. I don’t want she knows I curious too.

“My answer was because you were in the gloomy mood after she left.”

My eyes widen in shock. “What?! Don’t tell me you’re serious told her that, Lee Sunkyu!”

Sunny rolls her eyes. “Why? It’s the truth anyway. Just tell her, Taenggo. What if she also has the same feeling with you? You’re gonna regret it.”

This isn’t the first time Sunny talks about it. Yeah, seems my members already knew about my feeling toward Tiffany. Am I too obvious?

“She’s not into me, Sunny.” I don’t realize my voice sound so sad.

“You don’t know for sure—”

“And you also don’t know for sure, Sunny. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with her if she hasn’t has the same feeling to me.”

“You’re just being coward and stupid.”

“Whatever, Sunny!” I know I’m being childish because mad at Sunny words. I’m mad because she’s true. I’m being coward and stupid, but I just afraid with the consequences after I tell her my feeling. What if she’ll think I’m so weird then she’ll go far away from me? What if she doesn’t want to be friend with me again? I know I’m being paranoid, but I really afraid of losing her.

°°°

It has been 2 years after SNSD disbanded, 1, 5 years after Tiffany went to US, and in those years, I still can’t forget about her. I hardly can move on from her. Damn that Hwang!

Then today she calls me. I already happy see her name is flashing on my phone screen.

“TaeTae.” I hear her husky voice through the phone. I don’t know how much I miss her voice until I hear it again. “In two weeks, I’m gonna get marry. I want you to come.”

I hear a cracking sound and it’s my heart. I know she’ll marry one day, but I don’t expect it’ll be this fast. If she’s already married then I can’t claim her again.

“Okay. Congrats.” I reply with cracking voice. “Sorry, I’m kind of busy now.” I miss her really, but I just don’t want talk to her because the information she gives me. I don’t think I can handle the hurt if I still talk to her today.

I hear her sighs from the other side. “Okay, miss you so much, Tae.”

Is it just my imagination or she’s really sound sad?

°°°

One hour before the plane to US takes off, I’m fidgeting in my seat at the waiting room. I bite my fingernail show that I’m nervous. The truth is I really don’t want to go, but my members forced me to go with them. They said it would be rude if I am not show up in one of my members wedding.

“I don’t think I can go and face her.” I push my body up.

“Don’t you dare to go, Taenggo.” I hear Sunny stern voice.

“But, Sunny, I don’t think my heart can take it.” I whine. “I don’t wanna go and see her marry with anyone, but me.”

“That was why I said you need to tell her about your feeling, you stupid midget.” Sunny looks annoy.

“Well, you can tell your feeling now and maybe it’ll make Tiff think again about the wedding.” Sooyoung tries to convince me.

“Oh, please, Soo.” Yuri rolls her eyes. “She’s too afraid to do that.”

“Taenggo Unnie,” Seohyun talks this time. “Tiffany Unnie won’t know your feeling if you’re not telling her.”

“Why it is so hard for you to tell her, Taenggo? If it’s hard, you can just kiss her lips.”

Hyoyeon words make me think about Tiffany’s pink lips. I bet her lips will be so soft.

“And now our Taenggo is thinking about pervert things thanks to Hyo,” says Yuri while smirking.

“I’m not!” Oh, well, maybe I deny it too excessively. I can feel my members’ stares on me. Damn! They knew me so well how pervert I am. “Whatever!” I hiss then put down my butt on the chair.

°°°

I see her; walks to the aisle with her white beautiful wedding dress while a fine handsome man is waiting her with an ear to ear smile. She sees me then her eye smile shows up. I always love when she shows her eye smile, but my heart, that already broken, broken more into really tiny pieces when see she and that fine-handsome-man says their vows.

I don’t know that I will be this hurt to see her getting married with someone not me. Suddenly I regret for being coward all this time. I want her in my arms so bad, but I can’t do anything now. It’s too late for me.

°°°

“Baby, life was good to me

But you just made it better

I love the way you stand by me

Through any kind of weather…”

I sing “Until You” by Shayne Ward. My eyes stuck in her eyes, lost in her beautiful-brown-orbs that stares me back. Beside her is her new-call-of-husband—I hate to say that—then her father—Mr. Hwang looks so happy to sees her daughter getting married—then that lucky-damn-bastard-man’s parents. That man is really known how lucky he is to get married with my Tiffany. It is supposed to be me in Tiffany side. She’s supposed to be mine, but that damn man takes her from me.

“It feels like nobody ever knew me,

Until you knew me

It feels like nobody ever touched me

Until you touched me

Baby, nobody, nobody, until you…”

I sing this song because it’s so me. Nobody really knew me, except her. Even my family not really knew me. Sometimes I wonder how she can know me better than my family. All of my members knows I song this for Tiffany.

Because I can’t tell her directly that I love her, I’ll just say through the song that I sing. I plan to sing three songs that so me. I hope she knows how I feel toward her.

For the second song, I need a piano. So, I sit behind a black piano. I start to play it. It’s “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” by Zayn featuring Taylor Swift.

“Been sitting, eyes wide open

Behind these four walls

Hoping you’d call

It’s just a cruel existence

Like there’s no point hoping at all

Baby, baby, I feel crazy

Up all night, all night and every day

Give me something

Oh, but you say nothing

What is happening to me?”

Again, I can feel her eyes on me. I glance to her and our eyes meets. Is it just my imagination or her eyes are really glistening?

“I don’t wanna live forever

‘cause I know I’ll be living in pain

And I don’t wanna fit wherever

I just wanna keep calling your name

Until you came back home

I just wanna keep calling your name

Until you come back home…”

The guests are clapping when my performance is end, seems like they like it. Of course, they’ll like it because I’m Kim Taeyeon, the ex-leader of SNSD. Okay, I’m sorry for my cockiness.

“All of you already heard two songs: ‘Until You and I Don’t Wanna Live Forever’. I’ll sing the last song,” I can hear the disappointment from the guests. Why I feel like I’m in my concert? I smile widely, shows my chin dimple. “Relax, not just me who will performing today.” The guests are cheering hears that.

“So, the last song is a good song from Adele, ‘All I Ask’. Why I choose this song? Because I wanna ask to this someone to treat me more than just a friend, even just for once. Why? Because I love this person so much since years ago, but this person didn’t realize it at all until now.” I can hear they’re gasping, shocks maybe with the information that I just reveal.

“Tiffany!” Someone shouts and that’s make me and everyone in the hall chuckles.

“Just enjoy the song, guys.” I start to run my fingers on the piano, play the melody of the song. The noises from the guests stop immediately as they’re trying to enjoy my performance.

“I will leave my heart at the door

I won’t say a word…”

Yeah, I’ll leave my broken heart at this hall door. This is will be the last day my heart is broke because of her. I’ll let her go.

“Look, don’t get me wrong

I know there is no tomorrow

All I ask is

 

If this is my last night with you

Hold me like I’m more than just a friend

Give me a memory I can use

Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do

It matters how this ends

‘Cause what if I never love again?

Yeah, sometimes I afraid that I won’t get fall in love again with anyone, but her. I glance to her and meet with her eyes. From the way she looks at me, seems she knows that this song, no, the three songs I sang are for her.

“I don’t need your honesty

It’s already in your eyes

And I’m sure my eyes, they speak for me

No one knows me like you do

And since you’re the only one that matters

Tell me who do I run to?”

I’m repeating the refrain of the song while looking and lost in her eyes. Why she’s so pretty today? What did that guy do in his past so he can marry my goddess Tiffany?

The song finally is reaching end. I don’t know what I think before when out of nowhere, I say out loud my feel while looking at her warm eyes.

“I love you so much, Tiffany Hwang. Congrats to your wedding, Baby Boo. I hope you’ll always happy.”

After I say that, the guests, including the media reporter, are taking my photos and her. I know this will be a big hit news and I don’t care. I just want her to know my real feeling toward her, even just for once.

I stand up and give everyone a bow then walks out of the hall. Before I’m out, her call husband is staring at me, like he’ll throwing dagger if I step closer to her call wife.

“Tae!”

Why, oh, why, she must to chase me here? Instead of stop my steps, I walk faster. I just want to disappear quickly.

“Tae, stop, please!” I can hear her voice is begging from behind me. Because I am not stopping, she shouts her anger. “Yah! Stop or I’ll hate you forever!”

When I hear the word of “hate”, I stop my steps immediately. I don’t want her to hate me, but if she hates me, maybe it’ll make my move on easier. So, I walk again, but a hand on my right arm stop me from walking further.

“How could you walks away after what you did?” She seems out of breath. So, she inhales deeply and exhales it slowly. “Explain to me what you did earlier.” Her voice is so stern and she stares at my eyes, searching for something.

I gulp. I don’t expect she will chase me and asks me to explain it. I’m kind of nervous being with her and just the two of us.

“I sang congratulatory songs for you and you always know how much I love you.” I keep it cool, hide my nervous from her.

“What kind of ‘I love you’?” She asks again.

I furrow my brows, put my confuse look. “What do you mean?”

She groans. “This is your last chance, Tae. Say it whatever you want to say to me.”

I deeply sigh. She knew me really well and of course she knows that I lie to her. “Those songs are for you. Those songs were showed my true feeling. I want you to know that I love you so much that it’s scares me. I scare it would affect our relationship, but I also hurt every time I saw you and your boyfriend. I’m sorry this coward is falling in love with you so—”

I can’t continue my talk because she’s stopping me with her soft and warm lips. If I know before that kissing her will be this wonderful, I will do it sooner.

Wait! She’s kissing me?!

My eyes are wide open. Then I push her shoulders away. At first, she’s keep insisting to kissing me, but I push her hard and it makes her lips are going further from mine. I suddenly regret doing that. I miss her lips on mine already.

“Why you’re doing that, Fany?” I burst out. I don’t get it why she kissed me. “Are you pity me? Is that some condolence from you? I don’t need your—”

I see tears are running from her eyes to her puffy-white-cheeks. Okay, why she cries now?

“You’re crying? Why?”

“I cry because you’re being so stupid.” She answers me between her cries. “Why you say it now? Why not years ago or yesterday night? Why when I’m at my wedding?”

I chuckle bitterly. “What’s so different if I say it yesterday night or years ago and now? There’ll be no different—”

“It is.” She cut me again. “If you confessed to me before I get married to Gray, maybe I’ll get married to you by now.”

I take a back, surprise with her words. “W-what do you mean, Fany?”

She rolls her eyes. “I love you too, you stupid-midget-TaeTae. All these years, I was always wondering, did I read your actions wrongly? Because I don’t really know what kind of ‘I love you’ you had to me. Why you never told me before, Tae?”

I get speechless. Do I hear wrong or does she really says she loves me?

“Y-you lo-love me too?” Finally I find my voice back.

“Yes, I do really love you. Now, do you regret for not confess sooner to me?”

Yes. I reply in my mind. If I knew that she loves me too, I definitely confess sooner to her.

“But is it really will be different if we knew our true feeling sooner?” I mumble. It’s supposed to be in my mind, not mean to let it out.

“Yes, maybe.” She hears me.

I nod, agree. “Maybe. Maybe we’ll be happy with each other or we’ll be separate in the end.”

“Why you’re not trying to thinking positive, Tae?”

I laugh bitterly. “How can I think positive when both of us know how our people think about our kind of relationship? Just say, we’re being a couple, can we get marry? In South Korea? The answer is no, Fany. We can’t get marry to each other. So, no matter I confess before or now, the result will be the same: we can’t be together forever.”

She becomes speechless, her eyes stares me blankly. Her tears are not running wildly like a few seconds ago, but it’s still on her cheeks.

I smile—not kind of wide and genuine smile—but kind of force smile. “So, I guess it’s a goodbye. Congrats again to you and hope you’ll be happy always, Fany.”

°°°

That was five years ago. I still remember it clearly when she cried harder while called my name, begged me not to leave her. However, I never stop or looked back at her. I never heard her news again after that. Or shall I say, I didn’t want to hear anything about her.

One year later after her wedding, I also got married with Kwon Jiyong or also known as G-Dragon. However, our married not more than two years then we got divorced. To be honest, I didn’t love him, even just a bit. So, that was why I decided to divorced with him.

Stupid me.  I seem really can’t move on from that Tiffany Hwang. Damn that eye smile woman!

I hate when I’m alone in my apartment like this. Because when I’m alone, my mind always remind of her presence. I release a deep sigh. How can that woman do this to me? I hate to admit it, but I miss her so damn much. A frustrate sigh out from my mouth. I curl my body on my bed, feeling cold because of the heavy rain outside. I feel so pathetic right now: alone, cold, and miss my crush likes crazy.

“I miss you, Fany.” A lone tear escape from my eyes and drop on my cheeks. Suddenly, I can hardly breathe when I’m sobbing.

I rarely cry, I just cry when I feel that I can’t hold in anymore. In this case, I can’t deny how much I miss her.

°°°

All this time, after she got married, I tried to avoid if one of my ex-members hold a party or if they were wanted to meet. I would show up if she didn’t come. However, she would come if one of the ex-members got married, except me. She didn’t come to my wedding.

Today, Yuri is getting married. With whom you ask? If I tell you, you’ll be surprise. Anyway, I heard from Sooyoung that the troublesome-eye smile-woman will come today. In one side, I want to see her, but in the other side, I also don’t want to see her. I don’t want my heart bleed again.

In the end, I come to Yuri’s wedding. She looks handsome with her tuxedo while Jessica—yeah, she finally get married with her crush—is so gorgeous in her white wedding dress. South Korea has been changing, that’s why Yuri and Jessica can get marry in here.

When I see their happy smile, I’m wondering if I and Fany in relationship, can we be like them, marry to each other and be happy? Yuri is so lucky that she can tie knot with her forever crush—now wife—Jessica. Well, Yuri wasn’t like me. She confessed to Jessica and didn’t give up, even though Jessica out from our group. Damn that tan woman, get me so envy.

Oh, by the way, I see her in a red dress. Can I tell you that the sexiest moment is when she wears red dress? She comes in, immediately comes toward the new couple and they’re talking that I don’t know. She laughs and shows her legend eye smile.

Damn! After all these years, she does still look so awesomely gorgeous. Her presence also still had its affect to me—my heart is beating so fast and I can’t take my eyes off her.

“Tae.”

Oh my heart! I don’t know since when she’s standing in front of me, looking at me with her warm eyes. I can see the worry in her eyes.

“Tae.” Again, her husky voice is filling in my ears. “How are you, Tae?”

I’m no fine, thank you. You’re successful to ruining my effort to move on all these past years. Thank you so much, you-beautiful-but-evil-woman.

°°°

Taeny Reunited?

Yesterday (3/22), Kwon Yuri and Jessica Jung, ex-members of SNSD, was tied knot in one of the luxurious hotel hall at Seoul. All of the ex-members of SNSD were come, including Kim Taeyeon and Tiffany Hwang.

As we remembered it, five years ago, Taeyeon made confessed to Tiffany at Tiffany’s wedding. All of Taeny fans were so happy. They were expected it. They knew it all along that Taeyeon had a special feeling to Tiffany. However, it seemed like they didn’t get together that time. What a pity!

At Yuri’s wedding party yesterday, they met again. Taeny fans were really anticipated their moment. We were captured some moments of them stared at each other. So, what do you think people? Do you think Taeny ship will be sailing or the ship will be sinking?

°°°

I open my eyes and smile ear to ear to see the scenery in front of me. The scenery of a beautiful woman with her white skin, her puffy cheeks, her pink lips, her thick eye brows, her cute nose, and her sexy collarbone. I don’t know how she still looks so gorgeous after all these years. Yes, she looks more mature, but still awesomely pretty. It’s been years since the last time I see her sleeping like this. I always love when see her sleeping and wake up face. If people think that she most beautiful when she’s on make-up, they’re wrong. The most beautiful is when she has no make-up and when she’s on the bed. Because she’s on the bed and no make-up now, can you imagine how beautiful she is?

°°°

“How are you, Tae?”

I see so many emotions in her eyes: happy, sad, worry, miss, hurt, and disappoint. However, I try to maintain my expression. I shall show no expression, but the truth inside, my heart is beating like it’s going to jump out from my chest. Oh, I miss her so much.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Cliché, I know.

The sadness and disappoint is filling the most in her eyes now. “I see. So, you’re fine, even without me?”

Well, no, I’m no fine without you, but I can’t say that, can I?

“What would you expect? You’re seeing me bleeding and crying over you? You were my best friend, but you seems don’t know me well, Fany.”

“Were? So, I was your best friend? What am I now? A stranger?” Then she chuckles bitterly. “Ah, yes, I forgot that you never show your weakness. So, you’re saying that you’re crying over me behind me?”

I laugh full of bitterness. “No, I’m not crying over you. It has been five years since you got married, I already move on from you.”

“Yeah, right, move on, got married with Kwon Jiyong then divorced after two years. You used him to forget me, right? Why divorced? Because he couldn’t make you forget about me?” She smirks. Oh, it’s so gorgeous.

“Is it fun for you, watching me suffering from the hurt because of you?” I retort.

The smirk on her face is gone. “No, it’s no fun because I also feel like that too.”

I snort. “You’re happy got married with that-man-who-I-forget-his-name. So, what do you mean you feel what I feel?”

“You don’t know what I was going through, Tae.”

It’s full of sadness in her eyes. Oh, I want to pull her to my arms, embrace her to make the sadness disappear from her beautiful eyes.

“Don’t you envy them, Tae? Yuri and Jessi are getting married in here, South Korea. Don’t you think it’s possible too for us?” She changes the topic. I know she’ll be asking this.

“No, I don’t think it’s possible for us. Because just in case you forget, you’re still married. So, no, it’s still impossible for us.” I answer logically. “Unless you’re also a divorcee like me then maybe we can get marry if we’re still love each other is it.” Then I chuckle. It’s supposed to be sarcasm.

“Then if I a divorcee, you’ll going to marry me?”

I take a back because her expression is so serious. I furrow my brows.

“What do you mean, Fany?”

“Mommy!”

I turn my head to the voice, she’s doing it too. A young girl, maybe around 4 or 5 years old, long black hair, and wearing a white-pink dress is coming toward us. I don’t know that young girl, is she Fany’s daughter?

When I turn my face to her, I see a smile shows on her face. Well, she’s married so it’s not weird if she had a child.

“Hi sweety!” Fany squats down to match her daughter eyes level. “Did you have fun play with Aunty Sunny?”

“Yes, Mommy. Aunty Soo also treats me an ice cream.” Her cute daughter answers her with her clear pronunciation.

Fany heads up to stares Sunny. “Thank you, Sunny.”

“Nah, it’s okay, Tiff. Your daughter is really cute, talkative too like Tiffany version two.” Sunny turns her head to me. “Finish your business with her, Taenggo.”

I shock. “What? Our business already finished since five years ago, Sunny.”

“Yeah, right.” Then her head back to Fany. “Finish it, Tiff.” Then she walks away.

I look at Fany that already stands up. “What did she means?”

“Can we talk in different place?”

°°°

At first, we want to go to the nearby cafe, but her daughter is sleepy and wants to sleep. So, we ends up to my apartment because my place not too far from the church that hold YulSic wedding party.

When we arrive to my place, her daughter is already sleeping. I carry her daughter to my place and lay her on the bed at my guest room.

“Drink?” I ask her that already sits on the couch.

“Later, can you just sit here, Tae?”

“Okay.” As soon as I sit beside her, she lays her head on my left shoulder.

“I miss you so much, Tae. Why our life must like this? I love you, Tae, until now. I tried so hard to like Gray, but I can’t. At first, he understood me and be patient with me, but after 1,5 years, he got tired be patient. He started to play outside, looked for another woman. Then he found it, the woman who really loved him. After 3 years of got married, we got divorced. He hated me because I can’t forget you.”

“I asked you to be happy. I let you go so you can be happy, not the other side, Fany.”

“That was why I begged you not to let me go, but you ignored me, Tae. How could you be so cruel to me? I don’t know how to be happy without you, Tae.”

I can feel something warm on my shoulder. I know what it is even without looking it. It’s her tears.

I sigh, a frustrate one. “She’s your daughter?”

“Yeah, two months after got married with Gray, I got pregnant. Even though I don’t like Gray, but I love my daughter.”

“She’s pretty, like you. What’s her name?”

“Hwang Juhyun. I changed her surname when I got divorced.”

I furrow my brows. “Why Juhyun though?”

“Do you remember how our fans made Seohyun as our child?” I nod. “Well, because of that, simple, isn’t it?”

I gasp. “You mean—?”

“Yeah, I was thinking of you when I made her name. Now, tell me, Tae, did I feel what you feel? Suffering enough to your like?”

I don’t answer it. I don’t know how to answer it. It’s true that we were suffering because of got separated, oh, no, because I was too stupid to let her go, even when she begged me. If I knew that we would be this hurt because not together, I would hold her tight and never let go.

“I’m sorry, Fany. I thought the best for you was letting you go. I thought you’d be happy with Gray. I’m sorry, Fany. I didn’t know it’d hurt you. I’m sorry.” I don’t since when my tears are out from my eyes.

I feel her hands are cupping my cheeks. “Hey, Tae!” She makes my face turns to her. “It’s okay. Now, you know how hurt I was without you, will you take me back to your arms?”

I answer her with land a kiss on her lips. “Marry me, Stephanie Young Hwang.” I ask her seriously. I don’t want to let her go again.

The next minutes, our clothes are already leaves our bodies. Hell, I even don’t remember how we end up in my room. However, that day is maybe one of my best days of my life. No, we’re not having sex, we’re making love. I can feel her love through her kisses, her licks, her grinds, and her fingers. I never know that her moans are the best song in my ear. If you think her voice when sing is the best, you’re wrong. Her voice is the best when she’s in bed, moans while calls my name.

The way her body moves when I’m inside her, the way she’s sweating from what we’re doing, the way she calls my name when she orgasms, and the way she says she loves me with her hoarse voice over and over, are so perfect. I was imagined of doing this with her, but never thought before that it’ll be real. Why when does it with her feel so much different? Is it because I love her?

“What is this?” I find a scar on her right side of her stomach. We’re now lying side by side. I want to stare to her wonderful body.

“Juhyun. I gave birth to her not in the normal way, but caesarean.” She explains it. “Ugly, isn’t it?”

I smile reassuringly. “No, you’re still beautiful, Fany.”

“I really love this version of you, Tae.” Her eyes stare deeply at my eyes. “I love you, Kim Taeyeon.”

“And I love you more, Stephanie Hwang-soon-to-be-Kim.” I grin, show my white teeth.

She smiles brightly and that makes her eyes disappear, shows her deadly-gorgeous-eye smile. I don’t know how can I live after 12 years living with her and saw that eye smile every day.

“But, Tae,” oh, no, her eye smile disappears and a frown is replace it. “Are you okay with Juhyun? Are you okay marrying a divorcee who had a daughter?”

I want to laugh to hear that, but if I do it, she’ll going to mad. So, I hold my laugh. “Of course, I’m okay with her. She’s also part of you, Fany. I love all parts of you.” How can she think that I won’t marry her just because she had a daughter?

“Oh my God! I love you, Tae, so much.” She’s squealing while wraps her arms around my neck.

I chuckle. “I love you too, my queen.”

“Now, love me again, Tae.”

I know what that means. I gladly accept the offer, loving her with all my heart and body. Soon, our breaths, our moans, and our orgasms are filling in my room.

°°°

“…Tae?”

Her hoarse voice and her sleepy face are welcoming me back from my flashback. I see worry in her eyes.

“Hi, baby! Already wake up?” I always want to call her with “baby”.

“Yeah, but you’re weird. Are you alright? What you were thinking?”

I kiss her forehead. “I just am thinking how lucky I am to have a goddess like you in my arms.”

She punches my arm, just a light one. “You’re such a sweet talker.” I see her cheeks are blushing.

“I love you, Tiffany Hwang. Please marry me, I don’t want to let you go again. We were already known how we were trying to live without each other and it was hurting us. I know there’s no happily ever after, but I just want to be with you, spending my days, months, and years, with you. So, please be mine forever, Tiffany Hwang.” I ask her while stares at her brown eyes. “Ah, I also want to live with Juhyun.” I add and it makes her laugh.

“Yes, Baby Boo, of course I want to marry you. You’re my happiness after all. Don’t let me go again, Tae. I don’t want to live without you again.” She answers me after stop her laugh.

Seconds later, our lips meet again. I’m already addicted to her lips, her touches, and her moans. How these women can makes me fall into her arms deeper than before? How can this possible to make me love her even more than before? Just this-damn-beautiful-hot-creature that can make me likes this, just Tiffany Hwang.

°°°